Kevin Malone is the tragically comic overweight buffoon (and World Series of Poker champion?) we all know and love from The Office. When he's not shotgunning cookie jars full of M&M's, Kevin sometimes treats his coworkers to the Malone family's mainstay: chili. Let's follow along and try very hard not to spill any.



  • 3 ounces dried ancho chiles

  • 1 ounce dried cascabel chiles

  • 1 Tbsp cocoa powder

  • 3 Tbsp cornmeal

  • 1 Tbsp toasted & freshly ground cumin

  • 1 Tbsp dried oregano

  • 32 ounces chicken stock, divided

  • 2 Tbsp vegetable oil

  • 3 pounds chuck steak, trimmed and diced into very small cubes

  • 1 large Spanish onion, chopped

  • 2 jalapeños, seeded and chopped

  • 1 habanero pepper (optional), seeded and chopped

  • 4 large cloves garlic, crushed

  • 12 ounces Mexican lager

  • 6 roma tomatoes, cored and chopped

  • 2 Tbsp brown sugar

  • 12-ounce can red kidney beans, rinsed and drained

  • Salt & pepper to taste

  • 6-foot length low-quality poly fiber carpet (optional)

  • Shredded white cheddar (optional)


Makes 1 large pot of chili

  1. Cut open dried chiles and remove seeds.  Cut into 1/2-inch pieces, and in a dry pan over medium-high heat, toast until fragrant and barely smoking.  Place in a food processor and process until reduced to a fine powder, about 3 minutes.  Add cocoa powder, cornmeal, cumin, and oregano, and pulse to combine.  Add 3/4 cup of chicken stock, and blend until a paste forms.  Set aside.

  2. Place vegetable oil in a large stock pot over medium-high heat until shimmering.  Add beef in batches and brown on all sides.  Once at least half the beef is browned, add onion, jalapeños, habanero, and garlic to the pot and sweat briefly before deglazing with the Mexican beer.  Add tomatoes, brown sugar, kidney beans, beef, spice paste, and the rest of your chicken stock - stir until combined, and bring to a bare simmer.  Simmer for 2-3 hours, or until beef is tender and chili has thickened.  Season with salt and pepper, pour onto polyfiber carpet*, and top with cheese and other desired garnishes.

    *Don’t actually do this