Sumbitches are the wildly-offensively-named cookie that, in a very real way, are how I met your mother. Beyond that, they are the carnal cookie combo of chocolate, peanut butter, and caramel - which offers some technical challenges that can be surmounted with a little know-how, elbow grease, and a copy of Milk Bar by Christina Tosi.



For the Sumbitches:

  • 8 ½ ounces flour

  • 1 teaspoon baking soda

  • 1 teaspoon kosher salt

  • 2 sticks unsalted butter (room temperature)

  • ¾ cup granulated sugar

  • ¾ cup brown sugar

  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

  • 2 large eggs

  • Chocolate chips

  • Peanut butter chips

  • Caramel squares

For the peanut butter cookies:

  • 50 grams glucose

  • 225 grams bread flour 

  • 2 grams baking powder

  • 1 gram baking soda

  • 9 grams kosher salt 

  • 1 ½ sticks unsalted butter (room temperature)

  • 300 grams granulated sugar

  • 260 grams creamy peanut butter

  • 2 large eggs

  • ½ gram vanilla extract

  • 4-6 ounces high-quality dark chocolate or chocolate chips



  1. Unwrap caramel squares and cut each square into fours. Then, roll each small caramel square into a ball.

  2. Whisk 8 ½ ounces of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and 1 teaspoon of kosher salt. Set aside for later. 

  3. In a separate bowl, place 2 sticks of unsalted butter (room temperature), ¾ cup of granulated sugar, and a firmly packed ¾ cup of brown sugar. Using a stand mixer, mix the ingredients together and add 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract.

  4. After about one minute or after all of the ingredients are mixed together, add 2 large eggs to the mixture.   

  5. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and mix for about 1-2 minutes or until the mixture is a creamy texture.

  6. Scrape down the sides of the bowl one last time and then add the dry ingredients to the mixture. Mix for no more than 30-45 seconds. Be sure not to over mix unless you want tough cookies.  

  7. Add your chopped up caramel squares, chocolate chips, and peanut butter chips to the mixture. Make sure to scrape the cookie dough out of the paddle attachment. 

  8. Use a tiny ice cream scoop or melon baller to scoop out uniform little nubbins (1 Tablespoon worth) of the cookie dough and space out the scoops evenly on a parchment lined baking sheet.  

  9. Place into a 375°F oven for 10-12 minutes.

  10. After taking the cookies out of the oven, make sure not to try and scrape the cookies off the parchment paper until they are cooled completely as the molten caramel will make the cookies stick to the paper like glue.

  11. Serve and enjoy!

Tosi-Inspired Peanut Butter Cookies 

  1. Combine 225 grams of bread flour, 2 grams of baking powder, 1 gram of baking soda, and 9 grams of kosher salt. Whisk dry ingredients together and set aside. 

  2. Place 1 ½ sticks of unsalted butter (room temperature), 300 grams of granulated sugar, and 50 grams of glucose syrup. If you are unable to access glucose syrup, you can use light corn syrup, but it will not have the same consistency in the end.

  3. Beat this mixture together with a stand-up mixer on medium-high speed for 2-3 minutes or until the texture is light and fluffy. 

  4. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and add 260 grams of creamy peanut butter and beat on medium-high speed for 30 seconds or until combined. 

  5. With the mixer running on slow, add 2 large eggs one at a time until being combined for about 30 seconds.    

  6. Add ½ gram of vanilla extract before beating on high-speed for 3 minutes until the mixture is light, creamy, and doubled in volume. 

  7. Add your pre-combined dry ingredients after scraping down the bowl one more time. Mix minimally on low-speed for about 30 seconds.

  8. Caramelize some granulated sugar over medium-low heat until amber in color. Pour it on parchment paper and allow to cool completely before peeling away from the parchment and smashing into tiny bits. None of the bits should be larger than a grain of rice. Dump into the cookie dough mixture.  

  9. Chop up about 4-6 ounces of high quality dark chocolate and add to the mixture. Slowly and gently mix together to evenly incorporate the mix-ins.

  10. Use a tiny ice cream scoop or melon baller to scoop out uniform little nubbins (2-3 tablespoons worth) of the cookie dough. Space out your scoops evenly on a parchment lined baking sheet.

  11. Pat down the tops of the scoops a little bit to make the scoops into evenly proportioned chubby little disks. 

  12. Stack and wrap the cookie dough in plastic wrap and let sit in the fridge for as little as three hours and as much as three days. The longer you let the cookie dough sit, the better it is going to look and taste. 

  13. Once finished chilling, unwrap and place in a 375°F oven for 15-18 minutes until they are golden brown and crisp.